Interference and Mental Agitation

My mind is active this morning. Thoughts keep coming to mind as though there were something important I need to understand, figure out or decide, even though the topic of my thoughts keeps shifting and changing moment to moment. I am able to step back from these thoughts and be present in the experience of this moment, rather than get caught up in thinking about the various things that arise. It's interesting to notice that my awareness has this distracting stream of thoughts running this morning. If there were a particular content to these thoughts, I might be able to determine the source of this aggitation, but the content is fluid and changing. My mind is like a choppy sea this morning, the waves roiling and breaking chaotically rather than with purpose. It seems like there must be some kind of wind blowing that generates this disturbance.

When I drew three Tarot cards this morning as a window into my inner life, today, I came up with the Valor card, The Hermit and Interference. The Interference card is a good description of this mental agitation that I feel. The mental agitation arose this morning when I gave thought to my daughter's request for something I would like her to give me as a gift, in other words, something I want. I thought about a few books and CDs I might like and then my mental interference began, other ideas, doubts, thoughts, judgments arose almost immediately. I did not experience this intense mental agitation until I started "thinking about" what I wanted.

Historically, the question of what I want has been difficult for me to answer because of my childhood experience and programming. I was convinced there was something wrong with me so that I became more interested in learning to like what other people liked than looking to see what I wanted. It's interesting to notice that such a simple exercise as giving thought to what I might want can arouse such agitation and panic in my inner child. I imagine that this awareness will settle my mind, now.