Clarity on a Cloudy Day

Clouds cover the sky this morning, which is unusual in Santa Fe. Until the sun rises and brightly illuminates them, I can't tell whether they carry enough moisture to bring us much needed rain. Because of the clouds, it's darker at this time of the morning than it was yesterday, even though I can see a patch of blue sky on the eastern horizon that allows refracted light from the sun to color the underbelly of the clouds with pink and peach banners. The clouds are not heavy with moisture, but bands of floating ice crystals sparkling with color as they catch the light.

My son finished his last day of academic classes as a high school senior, yesterday. He has a few weeks of seminars and AP Calculus practice sessions for his upcoming exam in two weeks, but his senior year is essentially over. I breathed a sigh of relief at the end of the day as we spoke, although I'm not sure why I felt that way. He is a good student and a responsible young man, so I don't think I was feeling relieved that he made it through school. There was never really a question about his success, although my inner child was needlessly concerned about him and his welfare. Perhaps that sigh was my inner child's relief that my son didn't fail. I know it doesn't make sense, but my inner child was very worried about me when I was a student in high school and college, even though my academic track record was stellar and I earned A's in almost all my courses. He wasn't just worried about the next test, but literally feared that I would flunk out because the course material was difficult or the professor was a notoriously hard grader.

On the other hand, my son's graduation from high school marks new territory for me. My wife and I have been parenting for 22 years, as long as we've been together. I have put a lot of attention and focus on the well being of my children and my family. Being responsible for my children's education, development, entertainment and health has become second-nature to me over the years, but they have both matured into responsible, healthy, mature and happy young adults, now. My son finishing high school brings that fact to the foreground and makes me aware that changes are taking place in me and in my relationship with my wife and children. I feel like a professional baseball player hanging up his spikes at the end of a long career, grateful for all the wonderful opportunities and wondering what will happen now that the skills honed and developed of necessity over the years are no longer needed.

I am not at all like a retiring baseball player in another way of viewing this change. I have found myself during the years of parenting and I know what I like and what I want to do with my time. I feel excited to have more time to devote to creative endeavors and marvel that I feel enthusiastic and adventurous about my opportunities as I wind down the parenting responsibilities. We're almost finished remodeling our kitchen and master bathroom, just as we're finishing our parenting responsibilities. It's interesting that we recreate two parts of the most intimate and familiar rooms in our home at this time, just as we are ready to embark on our lives as a couple with two adult children. I can feel the changes taking place and I have a sense of what those changes are. I do not know what will evolve in our lives as these changes progress. I don't know if we'll move when both children are away or stay in our home of 19 years. I don't know if we'll be more social or less social as we explore living together without our children in the house. I don't know if the house will feel empty or full when just the two of house live here.

I mark the change and welcome the opportunities opening before us. I don't know what I'll be able to see when the clouds melt away.