Spring Renewal

I woke up this morning feeling as though I were starting something new. I have the sense that some aspect of my life has just completed, like a training or course of study, and I'm ready to take on something new. This feeling is a surprise to me, so I want to understand what's going on.

When I check in with my Soul, this is what comes to mind:

• You have been working hard. As you were completing projects and taking on commitments to participate in new activities, you were growing and expanding. Without noticing, you had outgrown the confines of your picture of yourself. Your creative burst has broken through the old restrictions you were under, pushing you to explore new horizons, like business and daily writing. As a result, you no longer see yourself in the same way. You see opportunities where you used to experience judgment and alienation.
• Look at what the daily writing has done for you. You express yourself easily and with confidence, no longer groping for words and ideas while trying to obscure your meaning so that no one would think badly of you or even disagree with you. But now you write from your heart, expressing what's inside you rather than worrying about how others will respond to what you say. Exploring business through creating websites and online shopping carts, taking orders and engaging with marketing and selling. This has become a creative arena for you, where once this was a wasteland where you feared to trespass. You have become comfortable where you previously held back with fear and judgment. The world of commerce is open to you and you are free to ignore it or engage with it.
  
• So, you're free of an old program and you've lightened up. It's as if you graduated from a training academy are were given recommendations and letters of introduction to key people in a variety of creative fields and you realize that you can choose where to start your next adventure. You feel the promises of Spring in your heart and are already sprouting with excitement.

Releasing Old Fear Lodging in My Back

My inner child is worrying this morning. I feel his concern in the left side of my back, but inside rather than on the surface. I also feel an uneasiness in my solar plexus. I would like to understand what worries him so I can let it go.

He seems concerned about my traveling to California tomorrow, as though it will interfere with my work. He's worried that I am taking time off to see my daughter before I finish my work. He's afraid that something bad will happen as a result.

One of the things I'm learning about my inner child is that he tends to be vague, especially when he's imagining disasters that will befall me. In this case, I want to know what are the bad things that might happen when I go on this short trip. He is afraid that my clients will be upset with me and won't like that I'm taking a break, so they'll be mad at me and fire me.

I've already told both clients that I'm leaving for the weekend and they're both delighted that I get to see my daughter perform and have already wished me a good journey. They're both happy with my performance on their respective projects up to now. In the worst case scenario, where either or both of them fire me, I would not be devastated. In fact, I've had difficulty making time for my music projects because of all these projects. Were they to fire me, I would have more time to devote to the music so I would move forward on those projects. My relationship with both clients is personal and professional, so it's hard for me to imagine that either of them would fire me like that, but it wouldn't be a hardship if they did.

I notice that my inner child has relaxed his fears, now. I also detect that he's concerned about that I will upset my one client when I bill her for my work, since we haven't discussed costs or payments. I entered into this project on the agreement that I would trade web design work for voice lessons. She has offered to pay me some or all of the web design work without us discussing the amount. My inner child is afraid that she will be upset when I bill her because I charge too much, way more than my work is worth. I am not concerned about it. Once I establish how much I will charge, I will tell her what my preferences are regarding how much we trade and the amount I'd like them to pay. I am actually curious to know what her response will be.

I just did some TFT tapping to release the old programming and fear that my inner child carries. I feel lighter and more present, more like myself again. I love the way this process works. These old patterns don't have to obstruct me on my way any longer.

Shaking Off the Stress

Sometime during the last two days, the enthusiasm and excitement I was feeling about working on my two website projects evolved into stress. First of all, I am close to completion on both projects, so I began concentrating harder and working longer, thinking I would finish them. I haven't finished either of them, yet. I'm very close to completion but my inner child's anxieties have kicked into high gear as though finishing them is all that matters, now. Cash flow in my business is low right now, so my inner child adds his anxiety about money into the mix trying to get me to finish everything so I can send out bills.

Of course, I have exercises I can do that release his anxieties and I am doing them as I write. Yesterday, one client wrote me an email thanking me for the way I am handling the orders for him. He added a second sentence, saying that he hoped I was keeping track of all of this because he isn't.

For some reason, that upset me. I want to understand why his question triggered me. I became defensive in response to his question, coming up with ways in which I am keeping track of the order information. I also recalled sending him an email in which I asked him to detail what information he wanted me to record and track. He has not responded to that email. Since it's been a few weeks since I sent it, I believe either he didn't receive it or has forgotten it by now. The point is that my inner child felt criticized and judged, reading that sentence as if he believed that I wasn't keeping track of the information.

Now that I have gotten my inner child's anxiety out of my body, I can see that I don't really know what he means by the question other than that he hopes I'm keeping records because he doesn't. He may feel badly that he doesn't keep better records and so his question comes laden with mixed energy. My inner child would have me work harder to prove to him that I am keeping good records but I, the adult, am curious about this. I can handle my own response but I see that I'm dealing with some unknowns about him. I don't know what his inner child might be doing beneath the surface of his appearing to ask me whether I'm doing something that he's not yet specified for me. I will begin by asking him, again, what specifically he wants me to track and record so I'm sure we both understand.

I don't need to engage with his inner process unless I want to. At this point, I would rather gather the information I need to make my choices and proceed. I do suspect that he has some mixed feelings about all this commerce activity, but I'm not sure I know enough to even guess what they might be.

I feel clear and adult, now. I like having the opportunity to engage with my clients and stay focused in the spiritual Transition that I value so highly. My inner child still plays the hierarchical game, but I no longer have to play that game with him.

Hidden Like Uranus in the Morning Sky

This morning, for the first time in my life, I viewed the planet Uranus. I knew it was near Venus this morning, so I looked at Venus through my binoculars and noticed Uranus just a little ways southwest of it. It was just a dot of light in the morning sky already growing lighter from the approaching Sun, but I felt excitement recognizing that light reflecting from a planet so very far away. How wonderful. When I walked my dog in the greenbelt shortly thereafter, I looked at Venus to see if I could see Uranus without the magnification of the binoculars, but I saw only the light blue of the sky. I felt as though I had discovered a buried treasure.

As I walked along the greenbelt, I remembered Jesus' parable about the pearl of great price. A man finds the pearl and sells everything he has to possess it. Jesus was making the point about the kingdom of heaven being of great value and worth giving everything to possess. I reflected on my own life, then, because I decided when I was in my early twenties that there was such a pearl inside myself and finding it was my highest priority in life. There was a certain amount of naivete in my decision and a lot of courage, since I was dedicating my life to having an experience that was not well-defined and which was considered an impossibility by many. I wanted to know the experience that inspired religions and nourished the mystics. I was a fool and didn't know what I was asking.

Many years later, I've found that pearl because I experience the divine within me. I never had difficulty seeing the divine in others because I saw most people in their best light. Back in the days when I made my decision, I thought it would make a difference to people, somehow. I imagined others wanting to know how to do it and what it's like to experience it. The reality of the experience is more mundane than I imagined and I rarely share my experiences with others. It's really just a different way of perceiving every day reality and my own self. It doesn't seem to be noticeable to others, but I appreciate it nonetheless.

It's like the planet Uranus gracing the heavens just a bit southwest of Venus. Most people may not notice it but it's there should they want to see it.

Enchanted by Spring

Today is Easter. Easter Sunday is given great meaning by the Catholic Church, since it's the day that Jesus came back to life after dying on Friday. The Church made much of the fact that Jesus was in the tomb for three days before he rose from the dead, showing how the three days in the grave fulfilled scriptures. Since it's less than two days from 3 pm on Friday, when he supposedly died on the cross, to sunrise on Sunday, it's quite amazing that no one is troubled by the discrepancy.

As I grew older, Easter loss its significance when I studied the historical record and realized that the story of Jesus is allegorical rather than historical. It's not that I don't relate to awakening and a celebration of life's renewal in Spring. I am thrilled and excited by the appearance of buds on the trees, the green shoots of plants that break through the soil, the blossoming of flowers in fields and on trees. I love Spring and celebrate the life force flowing in the plants and animals, coming alive in me again. But why associate all this renewal with the Church and its narrow focus on sin and salvation? The figure of Jesus is more rightly associated with the pagan gods of rebirth and renewal anyway. The Catholic Church borrowed most of the tradition from earlier traditions that were more closely aligned with the natural cycles and earth magic. I prefer the earth magic and natural cycles over the doctrines and judgment of the Church.

In Spring, I experience myself awakening, as though I were rising up from a deep sleep, the relative hibernation of my life force in winter when compared to its levels at other times of year. I come alive and remember my dreams, feeling enthusiasm for new journeys and realizing new possibilities. I feel young and optimistic, romantic to the core. Feelings of love stir in my heart and I can't wait to express love to my sweetheart.

I'm enchanted by Spring every year.